


I Thought That You Were Straight (now i'm wondering)

by itsme_lissabee



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Internalized Homophobia, Masturbation, One Shot, Oral Sex, Phone Sex, Self-Harm, Smut, SuperCorp, Unhealthy Relationships, and some externalized homophobia, brief non-explicit self harm, but we still love her, just throw me in the sin bin, lena's an ooc asshole, like MOUNTAINS of angst, panphobia, the 1975
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 15:43:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20212225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsme_lissabee/pseuds/itsme_lissabee
Summary: “Lena we talked about this. I can’t do this anymore.” Kara’s voice cracks as she tries desperately to remind herself why this was a bad idea. Tries to remember how it felt when she realized Lena’s constant stream of “just friends” would never end.Or the one where Lena is a repressed asshole, Kara is desperately in love, and neither of them know how to deal.





	I Thought That You Were Straight (now i'm wondering)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while listening to The Sound by The 1975 on repeat. I have no other justification for how it turned out.

The blaring sound of Kara’s phone cuts through the noise of the city and she stretches an arm out to her nightstand, searching for the offending object. Kara wearily blinks her eyes open when she hears a thud, and she catches the sight of her alarm clock: 1:13 am. Who is calling her at this hour? Her “Supergirl emergency” ringtone is different, so it can’t be that.

Kara picks her phone up from the floor and looks at the screen. Lena’s face, caught in a rare candid smile from the day she forced Kara to try that new vegan restaurant, is staring up at her. Kara briefly considers ignoring the call, but instead sighs and presses accept.

Silence greets her for a moment and then, “Kara?” Lena’s voice sounds hesitant. “I wasn’t sure you’d answer.”

Kara pulls the phone away from her ear and checks the time again: 1:14 am. “I almost didn’t,” She answers truthfully. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Kara closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. Her superpowered hearing picks up the sound of Lena’s heartbeat, rapid and fluttery. Kara hones in on the sound, momentarily distracted by the familiarity of it. Call her crazy, but Kara always knows Lena by the sound of her heart. Even now, months after the incident, she can tell when Lena walks in a crowded room by the sound of her heart alone.

“Long day at work?” Kara’s not sure what to say here, not sure what role she has in the play Lena is putting on.

“You have no idea, the board was all over my ass about the new water filters I’m making to donate to Flint. But that’s not why I called.” 

“Are you okay, Lena? Did something happen?” Kara sits up and flicks on her bedside lamp.

“No I’m fine, I’m just...bored.”

_ Bored. _

Kara’s heart stops for a second before speeding up to match Lena’s. Bored is the excuse Lena used to use when she wanted to toe the line of friendship. When her fingers and imagination weren’t quite enough to satisfy her, and she needed Kara to step in and lend a hand.

“Lena we talked about this. I can’t  _ do _ this anymore.” Kara’s voice cracks as she tries desperately to remind herself why this was a bad idea. Tries to remember how it felt when she realized Lena’s constant stream of “just friends” would never end. Lena’s mother had made damn sure of that.

“I just don’t get it. I thought we were both having a good time. I don’t know why anything had to change. Kara, I  _ need _ you.”

_ You don’t get it? Of course you get it.  _ Kara drops her head onto her knees and breathes out slow, fighting to stay calm. 

“Kara, please...I had such a long day and I just need you to  _ help _ me.” Lena’s voice goes soft, yearning. A breathy sort of purr that used to turn Kara into putty. It’s not helping Kara’s resolve now, as she tries to push away the memories flooding in.

* * *

“Right there, Kara, oh god yes, that’s it,” Lena bucks her hips up into Kara, who wraps her arms around Lena’s thick thighs and doubles her efforts. Kara’s tongue laps at Lena’s hole then darts up to her clit, while one hand reaches up to roll a nipple between her finger and thumb.

“Don’t stop, please, please don’t-” Lena’s voice rises in pitch until she lets out a cry, her body shaking and hips lifting off the bed. It’s all Kara can do to keep her mouth on Lena and let her ride out her orgasm on Kara’s face.

Lena collapses back onto the pillows, boneless and sleepy. She stretches long and sensuous before glancing at Kara. “Do you want me to, you know...return the favor?”

Kara, still kneeling on the mattress beside Lena, stiffens. “No. No favors for me.”

Lena shrugs and swings her feet onto the floor, already pulling her hair up into its signature ponytail.

“Lena, I love you,” Kara blurts out, face burning, hand stretched out to brush the back of Lena’s shoulder.

“Yeah, love you too, Kara. Do you want some pizza? I have leftovers in the fridge.”

Kara, frustrated by Lena’s lack of understanding, grabs her arm just as she’s standing up. “No, Lena, I  _ love _ you. I’m  _ in love _ with you.” She stares into Lena’s wide green eyes, willing her to say something. 

Lena snatches her arm back, eyes going cold, “No you’re not, we’re just friends.”

Kara’s mouth drops open, “Are you serious? Lena, friends do not do the things we do.”

“Yes they do! Ever heard of friends with benefits? We both have stressful lives, sometimes we just help each other relieve that stress and have a little fun along the way. It’s simple Epicurean philosophy.”

“Epi- what?” Kara, stunned, sits back on her heels and subconsciously pulls the sheet up to her chest. “Lena, I...I thought you felt the same way.”

Lena let out a short, harsh laugh. “Kara, you’re my best friend, but I couldn’t possibly be in love with you. I’m straight, you know that. You are too!” Lena shakes her head and gives Kara a small smile, as if she’s humoring a petulant child.

Kara gapes at Lena, unable to believe just how deep her denial goes. “Lena, I’m pansexual. I’ve definitely told you that before.”

Lena waves a dismissive hand and picks up her silk robe from the chaise lounge at the end of the bed. She’s slipping it onto her shoulders and Kara is still frozen on the bed. “That’s, like, not even a real thing, Kara.”

Kara’s face flushes red and she feels anger rising up inside her. “It is real, Lena, what in Rao’s name is wrong with you? And I know you have feelings for me, you talk in your sleep.”

Lena’s cold facade drops for a single second before going smooth again. “I’m going to go heat up some pizza. I’ll leave some in the box for you, I know you prefer it cold.”

Eyebrows furrowed, Kara stands up, pulling the sheet with her as if it’ll protect her from the wounds Lena is inflicting. “Lena I- I’m done. I’m not doing this anymore.”

Lena freezes in the doorway, “What do you mean?” She turns to face Kara, her voice low and dangerous.

Kara sweeps her arm out, gesturing wildly at the disheveled bed. “ _ This!  _ I can’t pretend anymore Lena. I can’t just be a booty call when you’re feeling bored or stressed or insecure. I can’t support whatever fucked up mentality you’ve got about sexuality. You’re in denial and I’m just enabling you.”

“I’m a Luthor. Luthor’s are not  _ gay _ .” Her lips curl as she says it, like the disdain is dripping from her mouth. “We’re  _ fucking _ , Kara. We’re not a couple of lesbians making love. It’s just two friends helping each other out. I thought you understood that.”

Kara is on the verge of tears now, and she fumbles around for her clothes. “I guess there’s a lot I don’t understand, Lena.” She tugs on her khakis and blouse, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. Lena has the audacity to look surprised as Kara pushes past her and stumbles out the door.

* * *

“Kara?” Lena’s voice comes through the phone, breaking Kara out of her stupor. Kara pinches her wrist hard and takes a deep breath, steadying herself. 

“Yeah Lena, I’m here.” Kara hears it now, the wet sounds of Lena’s fingers. She feels a surge of heat in her core and squeezes her legs together. What were her reasons for stopping this? She can’t remember anything now except how good it felt to make Lena come. The sounds Lena made right as she was nearing her climax, the soft moans that peaked with a sharp cry. The look on Lena’s face, like she was seeing heaven for the first time. 

Kara makes a snap decision, one she knows she’ll regret in the light of the morning. “Tell me what you’re doing to yourself.”

There’s a moment of silence and Kara can picture Lena’s triumphant smile. It’s not a happy smile meant for friends or lovers, it’s the kind of smile she usually reserves for the board room when she’s fooled the old men into giving in to her plan.

“I’ve got three fingers in. Mmmm, it feels like two of yours, just stretching me open.  _ Fuck _ , Kara, it feels good.”

Kara’s breathing turns ragged and she plays with the hem of her shirt. She carefully leans back against the pillows and ignores the voice in her head (it sounds disconcertingly like Alex) screaming at her that this is a bad idea. Her hand drifts up to brush against her nipple through the thin cotton of her pajama shirt. Kara lets out a low groan and her eyes flutter shut.

“Are you playing with yourself?” Kara can hear the smirk in Lena’s voice. “Do you wish it was me touching you?”

Kara nods before realizing Lena isn’t actually in the room, can’t hear her. She puts the phone on speaker and lays it next to her head. “Yeah, yeah, wish it was you. Wish I could feel you.” Kara slides a hand down to her waistband, slips it under. “Can I touch myself?” Kara holds her breath. She knows that this is what Lena needs: to feel in control. Despite her anger toward the other woman, Kara can’t stop herself. She wants to help Lena, wants to be good for her. Part of her thinks that if she can just prove that she’s good enough, Lena will reciprocate Kara’s feelings.

“Just one finger. Stroke your clit.” Lena’s words send a shock through Kara, who rushes to obey. “Use your other hand to pinch your nipple.”

Kara yanks her shirt above her breasts and leaves it, too impatient to take it all the way off. She pinches her nipple, already rock hard, between her thumb and forefinger and tugs it the way she remembers Lena doing. Her right hand is shoved awkwardly in her sleep shorts, playing with her clit. She dips her finger down,  _ Rao she’s so wet already _ , and back up to circle herself again.

“Do you still have the vibe?” 

Kara immediately knows which one she means. Lena had given it to her almost as a gag gift, something they joked about using but never got around to. At the time it had seemed too intimate for whatever casual thing they were playing at.

“Yes.” Kara breathes out, already reaching under her bed for the shoebox. She opens it and rips out the bright purple toy. She whimpers as she holds it in her hand and Kara hears Lena’s breath hitch. 

“Take your panties off. Fuck yourself with it.” 

Kara lets out another moan, heat flaring in her at Lena’s words. It’s not a huge toy, but it’s definitely bigger than her fingers, and Kara knows it’ll hurt going in. Kara pushes her underwear down, kicking them off one leg and letting them dangle from the other ankle. She presses the tip of the dildo into herself and hisses at the burn.

“Keep going Kara, all the way in, be a good girl.”

Kara’s eyes roll back in her head. She plants her feet firmly on the mattress and pushes her hips up while bearing down with the toy. Kara lets out a high, keening sound when she bottoms out. 

“Oh Rao, Lena, it’s in, it’s in. Wish you were here.” Kara feels her eyes prickle so she pulls the toy out and harshly thrusts it back in.

Lena chuckles, “Oh I’m about to be.”

Kara has a moment of confusion before understanding floods through her. The toy inside her suddenly starts buzzing and Kara clenches her legs together in response and cries out.

“I guess that means it works, doesn’t it love?” The endearment is like salt in a wound, but Kara revels in it. She was a fool to think she could walk away from whatever Lena was willing to give.

The vibrator takes over all of Kara’s senses, her whole world narrowed to the toy between her legs and Lena’s voice coaxing her through it. Her first orgasm comes and goes in a blur, Lena pushing her straight through to a second one. After a third, Kara’s ragged sobs seem to satisfy Lena, who finally switches the remote to off. Kara, absolutely wrecked and soaked in sweat and cum, listens to Lena’s fingers pushing in and out of herself. It doesn’t take long for her to come, she’d gotten almost there just listening to Kara. 

After a hurried goodbye and empty promise to meet up for lunch some time, Lena hangs up. Kara finally pulls the toy out of her, wincing at the soreness. Mechanically, she stands up and goes to the bathroom to clean up. When she’s finished, Kara lays back down on the bed, curled on her side, and hugs a pillow to her abdomen. She’s almost surprised when she feels hot tears slipping down her face, sliding over the bridge of her nose to drip sideways onto the sheets. Hot shame washes over her and she screws her eyes shut. A harsh pinch to her forearm steadies her and she inhales, wet and uneven. Kara hugs the pillow closer and waits for sleep to claim her once again.

**Author's Note:**

> Well this got a bit darker than I’d intended, oops. I’ve never written anything quite like this so please let me know what you think. I also did not know that I headcanon Kara as someone who self-harms, but it just wrote itself into this fic and now I can’t stop thinking about that. Drop me a line if that’s something you’d like to see me explore in another fic.


End file.
